Bringing Sexy Back

I've always struggled a bit with wearing clothes and accessories that I would call "my style."  I've spent a lot of time in life worrying more about how flattering (or unflattering) a particular item of clothing might look on my body and this has kept me from wearing a lot of things that I might actually like.

I've also always had a difficult time with the concept of being very feminine.  Femininity in my brain is very closely associated with being "girly" and that's just not something I identify with.  However, when I was younger I made a resolution one year to be more feminine.  I accomplished this by simply wearing earrings.  Earrings gave way to necklaces and a watch and even a dress here or there.  It worked.  I mixed a little feminine touch into my otherwise very neutral style.

Fast forward to today.  I'm on the brink of my 32nd birthday, have a 1 year old running around the house and I am still carrying around too much baby weight.  Let's just say I haven't been feeling so hot for a while now.  I lost a lot of weight after Knox was born but it's slowly crept back up over the past year and I am just SO over it.  So, I am starting to focus on eating healthier and finding a way to make time to exercise.  But, more than just losing the weight I need to get my sexy back!  I really do believe that it is extremely important to love yourself no matter what your jean size is.  When you look good, you feel good.

So, I've decided to kick off this winter with a new resolution: be more sexy/stylish!  Like my past attempt to be more feminine, I'm going to start small.  This time, I believe the start is with this new pair of black leather ankle boots that I treated myself to.  When I saw them online I thought 1. those are hot and 2. I can't pull something that hot off.  But, a wise coworker of mine said something to me when I pulled these boots out of the box...something along the lines of her hating people that say they aren't sure they can pull something off.  That you just have to wear it if you like it.  Just wear it.  YES, YOU ARE SO RIGHT!  So, today I am wearing the boots.  I happened to have some clothes in my closet that looked awesome with said boots and honestly, I'm looking pretty fly today.

So there it is, folks.  I'm bringing sexy back.  There might be some toddler snot on my black jeans today where Knox wiped his nose as he hugged my legs but I won't let that slow me down.

xoxo,

Ashley

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To maid or not to maid...

I was lucky enough to have off yesterday in celebration of Veteran's Day.  In my pre-baby life I might have slept in, had some coffee and breakfast while reading a magazine or watching TV and laid around all day basking in the glory that is laziness.  If you were able to do that yesterday, good for you!  I am jealous.

What did I do?  Well, daycare was open so Knox still went to school.  I had to fight some intense mommy guilt on that one, and honestly I almost started crying when Max drove away to take him to school in the morning.  I kept thinking about how little time I have to spend with him and how cute he is, how I surely could accomplish everything I needed/wanted to even with him home.  But, reason got the best of me and off to school he went.  (Because let's be serious, I would have gotten 1/10 of the stuff done with that rug rat following me around the house intentionally dropping everything in site on the floor for the opportunity to say "uh-oh.")

For the 3-4 hours after they left I cleaned.  Yes, you heard me right.  I spent at least half of my day off cleaning.  HOW LAME.  I did (and put away) the laundry, swept and steamed the floors, cleaned the microwave, dusted, cleaned the toilets, put stuff away and vacuumed.  Well, the robot vacuumed but I had to turn it on and empty the canister a few times.  I did not sit down that entire time...just cleaned.  I had to stop cleaning to take a shower so that Max and I could go to an afternoon movie and actually enjoy my time off.

Throughout my cleaning time I had many thoughts:
1.  This is so lame.
2.  I need a maid.
3.  Who do I think I am?  I can't have a maid!
4.  I can't believe it takes this much time to keep this small of a house clean.  Who has 4 hours a week to CLEAN?!
5.  This is so lame, I seriously need a maid.
6.  You can't get a maid, keep cleaning.

As a working mom, I would like to go on record saying that spending ANY amount of my very limited free time CLEANING is quite possibly one of the biggest wastes of time I've ever encountered.  I have lowered my standards of what "clean" means to me over the course of this past year but at a certain point you just have to clean the toilet!

How do other working parents keep their houses clean?  Do they have maids or do they also have this same conversation in their heads on a regular basis?  Should I get a maid and enjoy my free time???

xoxo,

Ashley

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I wasn't a natural

I've always been good with kids.  Kids and dogs.  I babysat all through college and after and even briefly worked at a daycare in NYC.  I am just the type of person that loves kids.  The type making silly faces at your kid in the line at the grocery store and trying to help a total stranger on an airplane sooth their crying baby.  Oh, and the type that picks up/chases every stray dog that I pass and tracks down the owner.  So, when I got to that appropriate life stage for having kids I was super confident.  I would be a natural.  Obviously.

But then I wasn't.  I was overwhelmed.  I was extremely emotional.  I was even downright mean.  

It started in the hospital.  Max went home to get rest in a real bed and I was left alone with my 1 day old baby...and an entire staff of medical professionals.  I barely made it through the night, calling Max very early in the morning and insisting that he come back ASAP.  It didn't get much better after that.  Max was home with us for the first two weeks but after that he had to work very long days for almost two weeks at a music festival.  Even on days I had help I felt like I was in over my head.  I pitched so many fits during that time about WHY he had to go to work, WHY he had to stay so late.  Didn't they understand that we had a BABY that needed both of us at home?  Mind you, this has been his job for years and I knew it.  But, that didn't matter at the time.

Wanting your husband around to help with the tiny human you both made I think is fairly understandable though.  There were other things that surprised me much more.

My intense (and pre-baby) need to maintain order and control over all facets of my life reared its ugly head.  It's funny because I had people tell me before having Knox that they worried about my "control issues" and having kids.  But, I tried to maintain belief that I could be a more laid back person.  I think you have to convince yourself of a lot of things to have kids if you're a reasonable person.  But I really wasn't laid back.

See, Knox was not what I would consider to be an easy baby.  He constantly wanted to be in contact with me and preferably while I was moving.  He never wanted to nap on his own, only while strapped to me.  I don't think this is unusual for an infant but it still was a tough adjustment.  There I was, peeing with a baby strapped to my chest just to keep him from crying or holding it for an hour because he was napping on me and I couldn't bear the thought of waking him up.

We swaddled him, we made sure he wasn't cold.  We gave him drops thinking he might be gassy.  We made sure he wasn't hot. We stopped swaddling him.  We let him cry.  I did everything that anyone told me to try.  I read countless books / articles on baby sleep techniques and tried to follow their tips.

He. Would. Not. Sleep.

So, no.  I was not laid back.  How could I tolerate anything outside of my plans if I couldn't even think outside of those plans?  I was operating under the torture of sleep deprivation.  I also returned to work much too early, adding to my stress.  I'll save that story for another post though.

I was maxed out.  I lashed out at Max, sometimes at Knox and constantly at myself.  I scheduled everything we did down to the minute and when plans got messed up (as they do when babies are involved) I could barely handle it.

Looking back over the past year I sometimes feel ashamed at how I acted.  Honestly, it makes me sad to think about it.  I wanted to be that mom that just went with the flow but I truly was not.  I don't think any of it was "my fault," I'm not even sure I could have done anything better or differently.  I did the best I could and that was good enough.  I don't think anyone can know how they will react to having children until they are in the thick of it.

I made it through the year and I've spent a lot of time thinking about it, sorting through my feelings on how out of character I feel I acted.  I'm proud to report that I'm a little bit more laid back now...I'm not perfect but I'm constantly improving.  That's what life is about I guess.  I wasn't a natural at being a mom but luckily, I'm a quick learner.

xoxo,

Ashley

p.s.  this isn't a pity post where I hope to hear "you're such a great mom!" from everyone.  I know I'm a great mom.  I'm the best mom!  I'm just sharing the thoughts.

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