But then I wasn't. I was overwhelmed. I was extremely emotional. I was even downright mean.
It started in the hospital. Max went home to get rest in a real bed and I was left alone with my 1 day old baby...and an entire staff of medical professionals. I barely made it through the night, calling Max very early in the morning and insisting that he come back ASAP. It didn't get much better after that. Max was home with us for the first two weeks but after that he had to work very long days for almost two weeks at a music festival. Even on days I had help I felt like I was in over my head. I pitched so many fits during that time about WHY he had to go to work, WHY he had to stay so late. Didn't they understand that we had a BABY that needed both of us at home? Mind you, this has been his job for years and I knew it. But, that didn't matter at the time.
Wanting your husband around to help with the tiny human you both made I think is fairly understandable though. There were other things that surprised me much more.
My intense (and pre-baby) need to maintain order and control over all facets of my life reared its ugly head. It's funny because I had people tell me before having Knox that they worried about my "control issues" and having kids. But, I tried to maintain belief that I could be a more laid back person. I think you have to convince yourself of a lot of things to have kids if you're a reasonable person. But I really wasn't laid back.
See, Knox was not what I would consider to be an easy baby. He constantly wanted to be in contact with me and preferably while I was moving. He never wanted to nap on his own, only while strapped to me. I don't think this is unusual for an infant but it still was a tough adjustment. There I was, peeing with a baby strapped to my chest just to keep him from crying or holding it for an hour because he was napping on me and I couldn't bear the thought of waking him up.
We swaddled him, we made sure he wasn't cold. We gave him drops thinking he might be gassy. We made sure he wasn't hot. We stopped swaddling him. We let him cry. I did everything that anyone told me to try. I read countless books / articles on baby sleep techniques and tried to follow their tips.
He. Would. Not. Sleep.
So, no. I was not laid back. How could I tolerate anything outside of my plans if I couldn't even think outside of those plans? I was operating under the torture of sleep deprivation. I also returned to work much too early, adding to my stress. I'll save that story for another post though.
I was maxed out. I lashed out at Max, sometimes at Knox and constantly at myself. I scheduled everything we did down to the minute and when plans got messed up (as they do when babies are involved) I could barely handle it.
Looking back over the past year I sometimes feel ashamed at how I acted. Honestly, it makes me sad to think about it. I wanted to be that mom that just went with the flow but I truly was not. I don't think any of it was "my fault," I'm not even sure I could have done anything better or differently. I did the best I could and that was good enough. I don't think anyone can know how they will react to having children until they are in the thick of it.
I made it through the year and I've spent a lot of time thinking about it, sorting through my feelings on how out of character I feel I acted. I'm proud to report that I'm a little bit more laid back now...I'm not perfect but I'm constantly improving. That's what life is about I guess. I wasn't a natural at being a mom but luckily, I'm a quick learner.
xoxo,
Ashley
p.s. this isn't a pity post where I hope to hear "you're such a great mom!" from everyone. I know I'm a great mom. I'm the best mom! I'm just sharing the thoughts.
See, Knox was not what I would consider to be an easy baby. He constantly wanted to be in contact with me and preferably while I was moving. He never wanted to nap on his own, only while strapped to me. I don't think this is unusual for an infant but it still was a tough adjustment. There I was, peeing with a baby strapped to my chest just to keep him from crying or holding it for an hour because he was napping on me and I couldn't bear the thought of waking him up.
We swaddled him, we made sure he wasn't cold. We gave him drops thinking he might be gassy. We made sure he wasn't hot. We stopped swaddling him. We let him cry. I did everything that anyone told me to try. I read countless books / articles on baby sleep techniques and tried to follow their tips.
He. Would. Not. Sleep.
So, no. I was not laid back. How could I tolerate anything outside of my plans if I couldn't even think outside of those plans? I was operating under the torture of sleep deprivation. I also returned to work much too early, adding to my stress. I'll save that story for another post though.
I was maxed out. I lashed out at Max, sometimes at Knox and constantly at myself. I scheduled everything we did down to the minute and when plans got messed up (as they do when babies are involved) I could barely handle it.
Looking back over the past year I sometimes feel ashamed at how I acted. Honestly, it makes me sad to think about it. I wanted to be that mom that just went with the flow but I truly was not. I don't think any of it was "my fault," I'm not even sure I could have done anything better or differently. I did the best I could and that was good enough. I don't think anyone can know how they will react to having children until they are in the thick of it.
I made it through the year and I've spent a lot of time thinking about it, sorting through my feelings on how out of character I feel I acted. I'm proud to report that I'm a little bit more laid back now...I'm not perfect but I'm constantly improving. That's what life is about I guess. I wasn't a natural at being a mom but luckily, I'm a quick learner.
xoxo,
Ashley
p.s. this isn't a pity post where I hope to hear "you're such a great mom!" from everyone. I know I'm a great mom. I'm the best mom! I'm just sharing the thoughts.
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