Warning: breastfeeding involves some references to my...breasts (gasp)
When I was pregnant, I read multiple articles and book chapters devoted to breastfeeding. However, like with most of motherhood, I'm pretty sure I had my blinders up and only focused on the potential good/easy parts. It's natural, right? How hard could it be. Then I actually had Knox and there I was, trying to feed him...and crying through it.
I remember mostly pain from those early days. There was so much pain in the beginning and I left the hospital with cracked nipples and gifts from the nurses of sticky patches to put over them to help heal.
Every feeding in the beginning was excruciating. I think a few factors played a role in the situation: Knox had a bad latch, my breasts are basically what I would refer to as ginormous and looking back I think I might have had too many hours of drugs and IV fluids in my system. I had no idea what to expect and it was so much worse than I could have ever imagined. I cried, I screamed, I wanted to quit.
But somehow, I didn't quit. My wonderful, amazing, better than anyone in the whole world husband helped me through those first days/weeks. He would actually help me with the process of latching Knox on, holding his bottom jaw open and adjusting because I was just not coordinated enough with my own two hands to do it. He took me to a speciality breastfeeding store in the first two weeks home where I found my favorite tool, the My Breast Friend pillow (love the name). There, I got some words of encouragement from a lactation consultant who helped me weigh Knox before and after eating and reassure me that he was getting more than enough to eat. I bought a copy of The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding and read it from start to finish probably five times. Somehow I powered through the pain and doubt.
After that, I would love to say that I became the ultimate breastfeeding rockstar. But honestly, I would describe myself to this day as an awkward breastfeeder. I never did master the art of the cover up, somehow it always collapses and blocks my view and the baby starts screaming and everything is ruined. So, if I do breastfeed in front of people I'm either struggling with that or I throw in the towel and let it all hang out for the world to see (and again, with these ginormous things that can draw some pretty great glances). I still use a pillow (a Boppy now that he's older) and I've always had to use cross cradle position to really feel comfortable. I've never enjoyed nursing while lying down no matter how tired I am...again, the boobs just kind of ruin the party.
In addition to the daily struggles with actual breastfeeding logistics, I went back to work full time when Knox was about 4 months old. I had to pump 3-4 times a day at work for 8 months straight. This was seriously no easy feat! I frequently had to stop in the middle of conversations that felt like they would never end and say I'm sorry but I HAVE to go RIGHT NOW. I scheduled meetings around it and left meetings that couldn't be rescheduled to do it. I skipped lunch with coworkers. Keep in mind, at the time I was sharing an office with 5 men and worked in a department with about 12 men. I was not only the only mother, I was the only female in the department. I was lucky enough to have a small space set aside by my employer for the task, equipped with a sink and mini fridge. However, the room was within my actual shared office so the men always knew EXACTLY what I was doing and I could often hear them talking while I did the task. Thank god they couldn't hear me, or at least they told me they couldn't which was sweet.
Despite all of the struggles and roadblocks I am proud to report that I am now the mother of a 13 month old baby (a toddler?!) who has been exclusively breastfed since birth! We made it through some extremely tough times without ever an ounce of formula. Of course now he also eats every food imaginable as well but I still nurse him when he wakes up in the morning and before bed. Those are 'mama' times and I truly treasure them at the beginning and end of each day.
I'm a full supporter of whatever choice you make that is best for you and your family. Breast or bottle, it's all about love and what works for you. I know what it's like to struggle through it and would never point a judgmental finger toward someone who chose, or was unable, to breastfeed. I know that the world would not have ended if I made different choices but I was stubborn and this is what I chose. Struggles and awkward moments don't change my outlook though - I love the choices I made and am proud of myself.
xoxo,
Ashley
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