Habits

We fold the toilet paper over or under.  We wipe the top of a can of soda before taking a drink...or maybe we bend and twist off the tab.  We wake up naturally or we set an alarm.  We bite our nails, tap our foot or maybe we sit cross legged on top of a stool.

Everyone has their habits.  And I think the sum of your habits define who you are.  Pay close attention to the little things that someone does time after time and you start to get a sense for their personality.  Are they organized or flighty?  Are they carefree or timid?

I have and have had a lot of habits.  Some very beloved and others that I work to change.  It has been said that it takes 21 days of performing a new habit to have it truly stick and become part of your day to day life.  Others know that some changes you try to make in life take much longer than that.  Months, years, sometimes maybe even decades.

When you have a child, you don't get much lead time to change your habits to fit your new life.  You don't have time to train for the marathon ahead of you.  One day you're one person and the next someone completely new.  You go into it as a childless person with your very specific habits and you come out unable to perform most of your personality defining patterns.  For me, it's one of the hardest parts of parenthood.  Missing my old habits and trying to create new and healthy ones.

I used to go to the gym after work.  I used to wake up on Saturday mornings, brew a pot of coffee and sit on the couch or in the backyard and read cookbooks while I made my weekly grocery shopping list.  I cleaned the house very well every week.  I went to yoga.  I walked the dogs.  I went hiking.  I cooked elaborate (and delicious) meals, wrote in my journal and had time to myself to think.  These habits defined me and more anything, I think they helped keep me centered.  They were some of my most cherished routines.

But, with 21 days or not I had to change my habits.  Now I usually don't set an alarm, we sleep until Knox wakes us.  I read cookbooks about how to cook good food faster and I make huge batches of food to freeze precooked meals.  I take Knox on walks (sorry doggies...) to the neighborhood park on weekend mornings.  I nurse him at bedtime and when he's done I put him up on my shoulder, hug him, kiss his head and say "night night.  I love you so much."  Then, I lay him in his crib and cover him up then slip quietly out of the room.  Slowly but surely, I am creating new habits that I cherish even more than the old.  I am working to redefine who I am.

That's not to say that when I have a day entirely to myself I don't go back to those old customs.  I do.  And I relish in them.  I enjoy the extended time I have to clean the house.  I read a magazine.  I write in my journal a blog post.  I take the time to get re-centered so I can get back to my marathon the next day.  It's a nice (and necessary) time out.  I don't feel guilty (ok maybe just a little but I get past it) about taking time for myself every so often.  I send Knox to daycare when I have the day off and encourage Max to go play golf then stay in my pajamas until noon.

I hope sometimes you do too.

xoxo,

Ashley

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Kids are gross

Children change you.  They change your body, your relationships and most definitely your definition of what is gross.  I know people that gag at the site of boogers/poop/pee but as a parent you are literally in the shit at all times and I think your gag reflex just totally shuts down. 

Please enjoy this list of really gross things that have happened to me recently and probably more than once.  I have no shame.  Just a good sense of humor.  

1. I let the dogs lick Knox's tray one night.  The next morning I was rushing to feed him breakfast and put his food on the tray...that I never washed.  It looked so clean I couldn't tell.  By the time I realized what I had done, he was eating and I was too terrified to piss him off by messing with his food.  So, I let him eat off of it.  

2.  We put his shoes on surfaces like the kitchen counter all the time.  His shoes walk on the same ground that our shows walk on.  Can you even imagine putting one of your own shoes on your kitchen counter??

3.  I frequently wipe/pick boogers off his face with my bare hand.  I then usually dispose of them in a tissue or the sink.  But once, I wiped a booger right on the back of his shirt.  And once...I let Clementine eat it.  

4.  There was a boy in a local eating establishment recently that was eating ice cream topped with marshmallows.  One marshmallow fell on the floor of the restaurant.  He crouched down and ate it off the floor.  With his mouth.  No, he did not pick it up and put it in his mouth.  He put his mouth on the floor.  I completely understood and didn't even consider stopping him.

5.  Knox bathes in our kitchen sink.  He sloshes a lot of water out and throws toys out as well and I dry the floor with a dish towel after his bath.  Sometimes I leave the towel on the floor for days. Some people might keep dish towels on the counter.  Ours is just on the floor.  In the beginning Max did not understand the purpose of this towel on the floor and picked it up thinking it had just fallen.  He dried some dishes with it and set it back on the counter.

xoxo,

Ashley

p.s. I'm leaving out all stories involving poop and Knox's wandering hands on the changing table.  You're welcome.

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Bringing Sexy Back

I've always struggled a bit with wearing clothes and accessories that I would call "my style."  I've spent a lot of time in life worrying more about how flattering (or unflattering) a particular item of clothing might look on my body and this has kept me from wearing a lot of things that I might actually like.

I've also always had a difficult time with the concept of being very feminine.  Femininity in my brain is very closely associated with being "girly" and that's just not something I identify with.  However, when I was younger I made a resolution one year to be more feminine.  I accomplished this by simply wearing earrings.  Earrings gave way to necklaces and a watch and even a dress here or there.  It worked.  I mixed a little feminine touch into my otherwise very neutral style.

Fast forward to today.  I'm on the brink of my 32nd birthday, have a 1 year old running around the house and I am still carrying around too much baby weight.  Let's just say I haven't been feeling so hot for a while now.  I lost a lot of weight after Knox was born but it's slowly crept back up over the past year and I am just SO over it.  So, I am starting to focus on eating healthier and finding a way to make time to exercise.  But, more than just losing the weight I need to get my sexy back!  I really do believe that it is extremely important to love yourself no matter what your jean size is.  When you look good, you feel good.

So, I've decided to kick off this winter with a new resolution: be more sexy/stylish!  Like my past attempt to be more feminine, I'm going to start small.  This time, I believe the start is with this new pair of black leather ankle boots that I treated myself to.  When I saw them online I thought 1. those are hot and 2. I can't pull something that hot off.  But, a wise coworker of mine said something to me when I pulled these boots out of the box...something along the lines of her hating people that say they aren't sure they can pull something off.  That you just have to wear it if you like it.  Just wear it.  YES, YOU ARE SO RIGHT!  So, today I am wearing the boots.  I happened to have some clothes in my closet that looked awesome with said boots and honestly, I'm looking pretty fly today.

So there it is, folks.  I'm bringing sexy back.  There might be some toddler snot on my black jeans today where Knox wiped his nose as he hugged my legs but I won't let that slow me down.

xoxo,

Ashley

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To maid or not to maid...

I was lucky enough to have off yesterday in celebration of Veteran's Day.  In my pre-baby life I might have slept in, had some coffee and breakfast while reading a magazine or watching TV and laid around all day basking in the glory that is laziness.  If you were able to do that yesterday, good for you!  I am jealous.

What did I do?  Well, daycare was open so Knox still went to school.  I had to fight some intense mommy guilt on that one, and honestly I almost started crying when Max drove away to take him to school in the morning.  I kept thinking about how little time I have to spend with him and how cute he is, how I surely could accomplish everything I needed/wanted to even with him home.  But, reason got the best of me and off to school he went.  (Because let's be serious, I would have gotten 1/10 of the stuff done with that rug rat following me around the house intentionally dropping everything in site on the floor for the opportunity to say "uh-oh.")

For the 3-4 hours after they left I cleaned.  Yes, you heard me right.  I spent at least half of my day off cleaning.  HOW LAME.  I did (and put away) the laundry, swept and steamed the floors, cleaned the microwave, dusted, cleaned the toilets, put stuff away and vacuumed.  Well, the robot vacuumed but I had to turn it on and empty the canister a few times.  I did not sit down that entire time...just cleaned.  I had to stop cleaning to take a shower so that Max and I could go to an afternoon movie and actually enjoy my time off.

Throughout my cleaning time I had many thoughts:
1.  This is so lame.
2.  I need a maid.
3.  Who do I think I am?  I can't have a maid!
4.  I can't believe it takes this much time to keep this small of a house clean.  Who has 4 hours a week to CLEAN?!
5.  This is so lame, I seriously need a maid.
6.  You can't get a maid, keep cleaning.

As a working mom, I would like to go on record saying that spending ANY amount of my very limited free time CLEANING is quite possibly one of the biggest wastes of time I've ever encountered.  I have lowered my standards of what "clean" means to me over the course of this past year but at a certain point you just have to clean the toilet!

How do other working parents keep their houses clean?  Do they have maids or do they also have this same conversation in their heads on a regular basis?  Should I get a maid and enjoy my free time???

xoxo,

Ashley

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I wasn't a natural

I've always been good with kids.  Kids and dogs.  I babysat all through college and after and even briefly worked at a daycare in NYC.  I am just the type of person that loves kids.  The type making silly faces at your kid in the line at the grocery store and trying to help a total stranger on an airplane sooth their crying baby.  Oh, and the type that picks up/chases every stray dog that I pass and tracks down the owner.  So, when I got to that appropriate life stage for having kids I was super confident.  I would be a natural.  Obviously.

But then I wasn't.  I was overwhelmed.  I was extremely emotional.  I was even downright mean.  

It started in the hospital.  Max went home to get rest in a real bed and I was left alone with my 1 day old baby...and an entire staff of medical professionals.  I barely made it through the night, calling Max very early in the morning and insisting that he come back ASAP.  It didn't get much better after that.  Max was home with us for the first two weeks but after that he had to work very long days for almost two weeks at a music festival.  Even on days I had help I felt like I was in over my head.  I pitched so many fits during that time about WHY he had to go to work, WHY he had to stay so late.  Didn't they understand that we had a BABY that needed both of us at home?  Mind you, this has been his job for years and I knew it.  But, that didn't matter at the time.

Wanting your husband around to help with the tiny human you both made I think is fairly understandable though.  There were other things that surprised me much more.

My intense (and pre-baby) need to maintain order and control over all facets of my life reared its ugly head.  It's funny because I had people tell me before having Knox that they worried about my "control issues" and having kids.  But, I tried to maintain belief that I could be a more laid back person.  I think you have to convince yourself of a lot of things to have kids if you're a reasonable person.  But I really wasn't laid back.

See, Knox was not what I would consider to be an easy baby.  He constantly wanted to be in contact with me and preferably while I was moving.  He never wanted to nap on his own, only while strapped to me.  I don't think this is unusual for an infant but it still was a tough adjustment.  There I was, peeing with a baby strapped to my chest just to keep him from crying or holding it for an hour because he was napping on me and I couldn't bear the thought of waking him up.

We swaddled him, we made sure he wasn't cold.  We gave him drops thinking he might be gassy.  We made sure he wasn't hot. We stopped swaddling him.  We let him cry.  I did everything that anyone told me to try.  I read countless books / articles on baby sleep techniques and tried to follow their tips.

He. Would. Not. Sleep.

So, no.  I was not laid back.  How could I tolerate anything outside of my plans if I couldn't even think outside of those plans?  I was operating under the torture of sleep deprivation.  I also returned to work much too early, adding to my stress.  I'll save that story for another post though.

I was maxed out.  I lashed out at Max, sometimes at Knox and constantly at myself.  I scheduled everything we did down to the minute and when plans got messed up (as they do when babies are involved) I could barely handle it.

Looking back over the past year I sometimes feel ashamed at how I acted.  Honestly, it makes me sad to think about it.  I wanted to be that mom that just went with the flow but I truly was not.  I don't think any of it was "my fault," I'm not even sure I could have done anything better or differently.  I did the best I could and that was good enough.  I don't think anyone can know how they will react to having children until they are in the thick of it.

I made it through the year and I've spent a lot of time thinking about it, sorting through my feelings on how out of character I feel I acted.  I'm proud to report that I'm a little bit more laid back now...I'm not perfect but I'm constantly improving.  That's what life is about I guess.  I wasn't a natural at being a mom but luckily, I'm a quick learner.

xoxo,

Ashley

p.s.  this isn't a pity post where I hope to hear "you're such a great mom!" from everyone.  I know I'm a great mom.  I'm the best mom!  I'm just sharing the thoughts.

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My Breastfeeding Story

Warning: breastfeeding involves some references to my...breasts (gasp)

When I was pregnant, I read multiple articles and book chapters devoted to breastfeeding. However, like with most of motherhood, I'm pretty sure I had my blinders up and only focused on the potential good/easy parts. It's natural, right?  How hard could it be. Then I actually had Knox and there I was, trying to feed him...and crying through it.

I remember mostly pain from those early days. There was so much pain in the beginning and I left the hospital with cracked nipples and gifts from the nurses of sticky patches to put over them to help heal. Every feeding in the beginning was excruciating. I think a few factors played a role in the situation: Knox had a bad latch, my breasts are basically what I would refer to as ginormous and looking back I think I might have had too many hours of drugs and IV fluids in my system. I had no idea what to expect and it was so much worse than I could have ever imagined. I cried, I screamed, I wanted to quit.

But somehow, I didn't quit. My wonderful, amazing, better than anyone in the whole world husband helped me through those first days/weeks. He would actually help me with the process of latching Knox on, holding his bottom jaw open and adjusting because I was just not coordinated enough with my own two hands to do it. He took me to a speciality breastfeeding store in the first two weeks home where I found my favorite tool, the My Breast Friend pillow (love the name).  There, I got some words of encouragement from a lactation consultant who helped me weigh Knox before and after eating and reassure me that he was getting more than enough to eat. I bought a copy of The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding and read it from start to finish probably five times.  Somehow I powered through the pain and doubt.

After that, I would love to say that I became the ultimate breastfeeding rockstar. But honestly, I would describe myself to this day as an awkward breastfeeder. I never did master the art of the cover up, somehow it always collapses and blocks my view and the baby starts screaming and everything is ruined. So, if I do breastfeed in front of people I'm either struggling with that or I throw in the towel and let it all hang out for the world to see (and again, with these ginormous things that can draw some pretty great glances). I still use a pillow (a Boppy now that he's older) and I've always had to use cross cradle position to really feel comfortable. I've never enjoyed nursing while lying down no matter how tired I am...again, the boobs just kind of ruin the party.

In addition to the daily struggles with actual breastfeeding logistics, I went back to work full time when Knox was about 4 months old. I had to pump 3-4 times a day at work for 8 months straight. This was seriously no easy feat! I frequently had to stop in the middle of conversations that felt like they would never end and say I'm sorry but I HAVE to go RIGHT NOW. I scheduled meetings around it and left meetings that couldn't be rescheduled to do it. I skipped lunch with coworkers. Keep in mind, at the time I was sharing an office with 5 men and worked in a department with about 12 men. I was not only the only mother, I was the only female in the department. I was lucky enough to have a small space set aside by my employer for the task, equipped with a sink and mini fridge. However, the room was within my actual shared office so the men always knew EXACTLY what I was doing and I could often hear them talking while I did the task. Thank god they couldn't hear me, or at least they told me they couldn't which was sweet.

Despite all of the struggles and roadblocks I am proud to report that I am now the mother of a 13 month old baby (a toddler?!) who has been exclusively breastfed since birth! We made it through some extremely tough times without ever an ounce of formula. Of course now he also eats every food imaginable as well but I still nurse him when he wakes up in the morning and before bed. Those are 'mama' times and I truly treasure them at the beginning and end of each day.

I'm a full supporter of whatever choice you make that is best for you and your family. Breast or bottle, it's all about love and what works for you. I know what it's like to struggle through it and would never point a judgmental finger toward someone who chose, or was unable, to breastfeed. I know that the world would not have ended if I made different choices but I was stubborn and this is what I chose. Struggles and awkward moments don't change my outlook though - I love the choices I made and am proud of myself.

xoxo,

Ashley

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Winnie the Pooh quotes to save Monday

I love this post and wanted to share a few of my favorite quotes from Winnie the Pooh that I think could also change the world.  He's very wise, that tubby old bear.

And one of my personal favorites, a quote that keeps me going when I'm told I care too much about the happiness of others...

xoxo,

Ashley

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To my husband, after a busy summer

This past summer was one of my hardest to date. Work got busy for Max starting in about April and here we are, in October, and I have no idea where the past 6 months went. I spent about half of a span of 12 weeks alone with the baby. Even when Max was in town, he often worked late and missed dinner/bedtime with Knox so it was all me. When festival season started we had a cute, cuddly baby that was just starting to crawl. Now it's over and we have a full blown toddler running around our living room. Add to that my own busy job and suffice it to say, I am tired.

 Not only did my poor husband miss seeing our little guy all of that time, but we missed seeing and talking to each other. Max and I have been best friends since the beginning. We've always shared the details of our days with each other. But now, after a summer apart and a 1 year old toddler ruling our days, I often feel like we barely get to talk.

 On a recent morning after dropping Knox off at daycare, I called Max on his cell phone. I think in the course of the hour we had together before leaving the house that we said only a handful of words to each other. And, they were things like...
"It's 7:30, he slept late. Get up."
"Either get him dressed or feed him. I'm going to shower."
"Love you. Have a good day." (said through rolled down window of my car, accompanied with a quick kiss)
Our phone conversation went about like this
Max: "What's up?"
 Me: "Nothing, we just didn't get to talk this morning."
 Max: "Oh, Hi!" (read tone: surprised and then understanding)

Now that festival season is over, I am hopeful and excited for the fall and winter. The slow season. The season of reconnecting, of vacation time, of family time. So, to kick off this new season I wanted to share my wedding vows. They make me happy, they give me hope.

"To quote one of our favorite reality TV shows, Bethany Ever After, 'I am a difficult human being.' I think most of the people here today know that to be a fact and you most definitely do.
I can be a bit of a princess, I am very demanding and I have what my mom might call a 'smart mouth.'
Most people don't get past these barriers. Most people never really get to know me.
But, you not only know me, you have become a part of me.
You know that deep down I want you to push back and not let me run the show.
You know that sometimes when I put up a tough front that what I actually need is a hug and some encouragement but I can't quite ask for it.
I love you for taking the time to know me and always being so patient, kind and loving. You have never pushed me to be anyone other than exactly who I am but you do push me to be the best version of myself that I can possibly be.
You are one of the most genuinely amazing people that I have ever met.
I feel so honored to be marrying a man that no one can think of a single negative thing to say about. You are my best friend and I love you more than I ever imagined was possible in this life.
I can not wait to call myself your wife.
I can not wait to have children with you and I can not wait to grow old with you.
I love you so much."

So, to my husband, after a busy summer I say: I'm so excited to spend the first full weekend with you in over a month!  Pumpkin patches, movie dates and bagels here we come!

 xoxo, Ashley

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New beginnings

A blog? Yeah, sure! This will be my third blog in the past 5-10 years and it's always a fun time, indulging in my thoughts a little, thinking anyone is interested in what I have to say. Honestly though, I have really enjoyed going back to those old posts and remembering what my days were like in the same way that you find that old high school journal and are flooded with memories. The past two blogs I had were created to keep my loved ones up to date with the changes in my life - moving from NY to LA and then moving from LA to Austin. Big life changes with lots of things to talk about. While I have no big changes to report at this point in time, I do feel a change coming...even if it's just in my mind (whoa, deep stuff).

 1 year, 1 month and 5 days ago I gave birth to my wonderful little son, Knox. It took about a year but I feel like I'm finally emerging from the fog and feeling like myself again. And myself feels pretty awesome. I feel like I have a new set of priorities and a new outlook on life now that I have a kid and I'd love to capture those things here. Let's see how it goes! :)

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